Hey everyone,
It’s been about a year since I last opened this blog. For many reasons, I lost track of what I wrote and shared on this platform. To all of those who read, I apologize for my abrupt hiatus. Much has happened, most of it in the vein of heartbreak coupled with the brutalizing weight of reality. I have to be honest, the end of the prior year has been the most unforgiving and emotionally murderous year of my entire being. There were many times where even merely continuing on was unrealistic to me.
To anyone who has waded through these harrowing thoughts and has faced the demon of suicide-please, don’t let go. Please.
It all began in the latter part of the year, end of September, beginning of October. Things weren’t easy on many different fronts. My grandmother’s health was in an uncontrollable descent, Victoria and I’s relationship was secretly crumbling at the foundations. I wasn’t in school and my job was brutally chipping away at me like an inexperienced sculptor. But, somehow everyone was still hanging on by a thread; a very fragile thread.
It was just my mother and I in the house, when my grandmother passed away. We scrambled as fast as we could, grabbing the oxygen tank, her medicines, anything we could get that could potentially save her life. We tried, we struggled and fought as best we could. It wasn’t long before my mother and I just held onto my grandmother, held her one last time. I detest the fact that I know what death feels like, yet, I still am alive to talk about it. I felt powerless, useless and like an absolute failure. My grandmother, Inez, the woman that helped raise me, was gone. She lived with us for five years, she helped me get through school, taught me to love, to fight, to pray and when to hold my tongue. In a moments notice, years of memories had slipped through my hands and there was nothing I could do.
I found comfort in the arms of then girlfriend, Victoria. She drove up mere hours after my grandmother passed. She held me, cried with me, and was the strength that I pleaded for. She was there for every aspect of it all and it’s honestly what pushed me through. I looked to her as the woman I would marry; undoubtedly. Just before this, I had purchased a ring, just her style and size and set a plan in place. It was going to be on her 22nd birthday, when I popped the big question, a question which she had promised she would say ‘yes’ to. I didn’t have everything in life perfect, but I knew this was for sure.
She wanted to take a break, she claimed she was confused, needed to spend time with God. It was sudden and random, made sense to no one, especially me, but what could I do? I could feel the rift between us getting larger, but I knew we could mend it; I hoped. Rumors at school began to swell, once hidden truths were now being aired out, fights erupted and loyalty and faithfulness were willingly thrown out of the window. Once it all settled, there I stood, engagement ring in hand, heart bloodied, tattered and ripped out of my chest, yet, still naively hopeful that she would still love me. Maybe she would see her wrongs; she had to. Or possibly I wasn’t good enough. I should’ve tried harder. Loved her better. I should’ve been better. Maybe it was my fault.
My forever had abandoned me.
Things continued to tumble downhill after that. I lost myself to an all consuming depression. I quit my job, my car broke down, I had no friends and wherever I turned everything was snatched away from me. I reached a point where I could no longer cry, just sit and stare off into oblivion.
These past months have had the potential to end me. I turned my back on everything and everyone and simply waited for my demise.
But, somehow, I continued to wake up everyday. I struggled, and trust me I still am, but day by day and piece by piece, I began to come together. It’s taking me time, and it will take much more, but I am beginning to see why it didn’t end for me. Life isn’t fair, nor is it forgiving, but, life never stops.
I have come to realize that during our brief time here on Earth, that hearts will be broken. Lies will be told, loved ones will be lost and many a darkness will come. But better yet, hearts will be healed and properly cherished. Truth will emerge victorious, you will gain new people to love and the Sun will shine on, warming your soul. With everything that has happened to me, I have been gifted with a new resilience and better understanding of myself and others. I appreciate every single moment I spend with those I care for, I laugh louder, smile brighter and will love harder than ever before. And I will hold onto the wisdom of my Grandmother, knowing she is still with me.
I now live in the aftermath of what I believed was going to be my forever. I continue on, knowing that forever is just that; it’s unending. It doesn’t stop with me. Your life will turn around. You will find peace, a love that endures and meet friends that support you without hesitation.
It’s funny, we have all heard the saying “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I guess I never knew it to be true, until this moment.
So to all who see this, don’t give up. Forever isn’t over. You’re still here.
You’re still going.
You will get through this.
Just know you’re not alone.
NoProJo 