In Pursuit

There is always something that we are hunting for. We have this blazing desire to achieve something, to be better than we were yesterday; to be happy.

There are a million things that we could do to potentially get to this level of happiness. But, it seems that we are constantly a step away from fully reaching absolute satisfaction.  We work, we play, we do things that bring us a sense of accomplishment, but more often than not, we still feel we are lacking something.

I have found myself struggling, more than once, to really feel like I’m doing something important, something that makes me smile. There are a plethora of things in this world that make me smile: family, motorcycles, food, games and friends. Overtime, however, I began to recognize a pattern in my behavior; I was treating happiness as a destination. I was making it someplace to be and unfortunately, I was never there. Dark and harrowing feelings would creep over me and I would need to do something that made me happy, like there was a cure. I relied on other things, and people, to bring me gratification and ultimately I lost the ability to pursue the best version of myself. Happiness, to me, became a one stop shop, a quick fix that only lasted a brief amount of time.

Eventually, I was just always sad. Food couldn’t bring me comfort, games became boring and repetitive and even the furious and mechanical bellows of a motorcycle couldn’t put a smile on my face. Nothing seemed to work, nothing was good enough and I wasn’t happy.

It wasn’t until the beginning of this year that I saw the flaws in my ways. It wasn’t a eureka moment by any means, just a subtle, yet powerful, change in my outlook.

Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a constant journey.

First off, I had to stop putting happiness in a box, limiting its potential to only a few (poorly) selected things, on my part.

Next, I had to come to terms with the fact that happiness doesn’t stop when I do; and I’ve stopped more than once. Happiness continues on, day in and day out and it’s my responsibility to grab it by the horns and own it. It won’t be easy, as a matter of fact, it’ll be impossible to really pin happiness down and say “okay, I’ve got it.” Since happiness is a journey, that means that the path to it is forever changing. Think about it like this- when you take a hike in the woods, you find a trail and you start walking. You’re surrounded by the best that nature has to offer: majestic trees, lush foliage, unique insects, clear skies and a cool, crisp breeze. You can stop for a while, appreciate the beauty of nature, maybe pick a few flowers but eventually you have to keep moving.  If you stay too long in one spot on the trail, not only will you never see the beauty ahead, but what you have seen will begin to lose its shine. The flowers won’t dance the same way in the wind, the trees will seem just average and you get bored; you get sad.

Now, you have to remember that you are still on the same trail. However, just because you’re moving on doesn’t mean you’re forgetting what was. You may know what makes you happy, and that’s great, but you can’t settle for a single aspect of that happiness when there is much an amazing “hike” ahead of you! Who knows, maybe you’ll find a secret trail that leads you to a different, but better place, or maybe the path you’re on takes you somewhere you never expected; somewhere absolutely breathtaking. The thing is, you’ll never know what lies ahead if you don’t keep moving and exploring the possibilities. It’s an adventure! Not a pit stop.

I myself was stuck in one part of my hike and I had become stagnant where I was at. But once I started to move again, once I realized that I had only just begun my hike and that there was still miles and miles left in my journey, I saw the beauty that the path ahead contained. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate where I was it, however, it had served its purpose, it had shown me its beauty and it was simply time to move on.

Happiness doesn’t stop. Happiness is a living, fluid, vibrant and beautiful thing.

So are you.

So often we feel empty inside, or we feel that we aren’t “making it” simply because we’ve stopped hiking. We found a spot that was comfortable and we become complacent. But there is so much more ahead, it’s unknown, but that’s a part of happiness, the discovery of it.

Sometimes on your journey, other people join you and you see the sights together. You engage in the surrounding beauty, you explore, help each other out and push through. Sometimes those people stay on your path and sometimes they don’t. But you’re still hiking, you appreciate the beauty they added and you’re so thankful, but, you keep moving and hoping that there is more to come.

And there is.

Whatever path you may be on, don’t forget that it hasn’t ended. It’ll get difficult, you may have to take a break every now and again, which is fine, just don’t stop and stay put. Be willing enough to take the next step and brave enough to keep walking.

There is so much more that lies ahead of us, so much happiness and opportunity that is just a few steps away. It’s up to us to decide if we want to pursue it or not.

I say go for it.

And if you happen upon someone else’s path, be sure to encourage them, give them hope and help them discover the happiness that we all long for.

Keep your head up, keep your legs churning and always keep your eyes open.

Happiness is obtainable.

So keep walking. You’ll get there.

We all will.

 

 

The Comparative Disease

The world is teeming with so many dangerous things, diseases, animals and weapons that can harm you. It’s a sobering thought, forcing us to make sure that we truly protect ourselves with the best care and treatments possible. We have become so certain that we are now safe, healthy and guarded from the dangers of the world. It’s in this state that we actually forget the lurking and most dangerously common force in our time. The disease called Comparison.

Social media is now a way of life, it’s involved in almost every aspect of what we do. We post pictures of where we are, what we eat, who we’re with, our accomplishments and more. While there isn’t an inherent evil to this, what has been conceived from social media is mentally and emotionally damaging. Everyday we are bombarded with images, videos and ads of those who are “living their best life” and while we can be happy for them, a creeping jealously begins to form. Someone on Instagram posts about their new job, or car, or how happy their relationship is, and we are almost conditioned to have our first be “I wish I had that.” Unknowingly, we start to long for a surface level satisfaction without knowing the underlying details.

We start to look at our own lives and become dissatisfied with what we are actually blessed with. Our car runs, but it’s not the new 2019 model. We are happy that we have an honest job that pays the bills, but it’s no six figure dream. “It’s not that I don’t love my significant other-but they don’t look like that guy/girl on Instagram.” These insecurities and comparisons always start off small and we tend to put them on our mental back burner. However, over time they begin to snowball and we are caught in a downward tumble of ‘what if’s’. Silently, we start to hate and grow tired of what we should be smiling about. Over time, nothing is good enough anymore; there is always something better. Our eyes divert from our physical lovers, to the digitized fantasies we have access to at the click of a button. Our spending habits slowly start to surge uncontrollably, even though we don’t have the actual money. Even our personalities change to one that was fabricated from an unhealthy desire to be different. Before long, we are living lives that we not meant for us, and in turn, we become the exact opposite of who we need to be.

I myself am guilty of this, constantly. Comparing myself to others, and it has eaten me alive from the inside out. By all accounts, I was supposed to graduate college in 2017, yet here I am. I was supposed to be a Division I athlete, but I went DIII. I would watch videos, posts and such of my friends tossing their caps in celebration or a hurdler breaking a record and without missing a beat, I would say “That should be me.” or “I wish I would’ve made it.” Instead of looking at the blessings that have come my way through the years, I am engulfed by envy and it has taken control of how I see my life. I know, and it sucks to admit, that I have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities in my own life because I was too busy following someone else’s.

Comparing yourself to others will never satisfy the desires of your heart. While we can wish all we want that we were soaring in the clouds, the fact is, we probably could’ve bought a plane ticket a long time ago. Everyone has heard the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

False. Do not believe it.

The grass is greener where YOU water it. Where there is plenty of sunlight and room to grow.

As a society, it is far too easy to fall into the clutches of comparison and sometimes there seems like there is no way around it. Aren’t we supposed to feel excited for others and support their success? The answer is yes, we are. However, that  doesn’t mean clawing at every chance to be like them. When we envy others, when we compare, we forget what makes us special; what makes us, us. We lose sight of the gifts that we can offer the world and other people. In actuality, no one’s one talent and or gift, is better than another’s. We all have our place, our time and our path that is freely offered to us.

Think of it like this. Our world is a puzzle and all of us are pieces. How could we ever create the masterpiece this world is supposed to be if we all want to be the center piece? We will never recognize our potential or our goals until we stop comparing ourselves to the next person and start believing that we, as individuals are exactly who we’re supposed to be.

Comparisons are a disease. But the cure is YOU. 

I can’t lie, it won’t be easy to stop looking ahead and wondering what could be. But if you truly take the time, even just a moment, to look at what is, you will see that life has so much more to offer you. So the next time you see a woman with a massive wedding ring, strutting around Target, look at your own and smile, because the love that gave you your ring was meant for only you. Or if your working out and you see some ripped guy curling 100’s, don’t worry, you’re already at the gym and giving it YOUR best. It doesn’t matter where we go or land in life, hold fast to your uniqueness and you will flourish.

Never give up on who you are, because who you are is amazing and this world needs you. Not a copy of someone else; it needs you.

Even in the struggle, hold your heads high, keep your eyes to the sky and press on. Wherever you’re headed is up to you, and if you never quit, you’ll get there. I know that I have so much more growing to do, as do we all, but I am learning to find joy in the process of becoming who I am. I hope that you will begin to understand that joy as well, because it is pretty great.

So, to everyone who reads this, let me be the first to say: You’re not behind, you’re not late and you’re not stuck. You’re right where you need to be.

Thank you, for being you.

 

The Aftermath of Forever

Hey everyone,

It’s been about a year since I last opened this blog. For many reasons, I lost track of what I wrote and shared on this platform. To all of those who read, I apologize for my abrupt hiatus. Much has happened, most of it in the vein of heartbreak coupled with the brutalizing weight of reality. I have to be honest, the end of the prior year has been the most unforgiving and emotionally murderous year of my entire being. There were many times where even merely continuing on was unrealistic to me.

To anyone who has waded through these harrowing thoughts and has faced the demon of suicide-please, don’t let go. Please.

It all began in the latter part of the year, end of September, beginning of October. Things weren’t easy on many different fronts. My grandmother’s health was in an uncontrollable descent, Victoria and I’s relationship was secretly crumbling at the foundations. I wasn’t in school and my job was brutally chipping away at me like an inexperienced sculptor. But, somehow everyone was still hanging on by a thread; a very fragile thread.

It was just my mother and I in the house, when my grandmother passed away. We scrambled as fast as we could, grabbing the oxygen tank, her medicines, anything we could get that could potentially save her life. We tried, we struggled and fought as best we could. It wasn’t long before my mother and I just held onto my grandmother, held her one last time. I detest the fact that I know what death feels like, yet, I still am alive to talk about it. I felt powerless, useless and like an absolute failure. My grandmother, Inez, the woman that helped raise me, was gone. She lived with us for five years, she helped me get through school, taught me to love, to fight, to pray and when to hold my tongue. In a moments notice, years of memories had slipped through my hands and there was nothing I could do.

I found comfort in the arms of then girlfriend, Victoria. She drove up mere hours after my grandmother passed. She held me, cried with me, and was the strength that I pleaded for. She was there for every aspect of it all and it’s honestly what pushed me through. I looked to her as the woman I would marry; undoubtedly.  Just before this, I had purchased a ring, just her style and size and set a plan in place. It was going to be on her 22nd birthday, when I popped the big question, a question which she had promised she would say ‘yes’ to. I didn’t have everything in life perfect, but I knew this was for sure.

She wanted to take a break, she claimed she was confused, needed to spend time with God. It was sudden and random, made sense to no one, especially me, but what could I do? I could feel the rift between us getting larger, but I knew we could mend it; I hoped. Rumors at school began to swell, once hidden truths were now being aired out, fights erupted and loyalty and faithfulness were willingly thrown out of the window. Once it all settled, there I stood, engagement ring in hand, heart bloodied, tattered and ripped out of my chest, yet, still naively hopeful that she would still love me. Maybe she would see her wrongs; she had to. Or possibly I wasn’t good enough. I should’ve tried harder. Loved her better. I should’ve been better. Maybe it was my fault.

My forever had abandoned me.

Things continued to tumble downhill after that. I lost myself to an all consuming depression. I quit my job, my car broke down, I had no friends and wherever I turned everything was snatched away from me. I reached a point where I could no longer cry, just sit and stare off into oblivion.

These past months have had the potential to end me. I turned my back on everything and everyone and simply waited for my demise.

But, somehow, I continued to wake up everyday. I struggled, and trust me I still am, but day by day and piece by piece, I began to come together. It’s taking me time, and it will take much more, but I am beginning to see why it didn’t end for me. Life isn’t fair, nor is it forgiving, but, life never stops.

I have come to realize that during our brief time here on Earth, that hearts will be broken. Lies will be told, loved ones will be lost and many a darkness will come. But better yet, hearts will be healed and properly cherished. Truth will emerge victorious, you will gain new people to love and the Sun will shine on, warming your soul. With everything that has happened to me, I have been gifted with a new resilience and better understanding of myself and others. I appreciate every single moment I spend with those I care for, I laugh louder, smile brighter and will love harder than ever before. And I will hold onto the wisdom of my Grandmother, knowing she is still with me.

I now live in the aftermath of what I believed was going to be my forever. I continue on, knowing that forever is just that; it’s unending. It doesn’t stop with me. Your life will turn around. You will find peace, a love that endures and meet friends that support you without hesitation.

It’s funny, we have all heard the saying “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I guess I never knew it to be true, until this moment.

So to all who see this, don’t give up. Forever isn’t over. You’re still here.

You’re still going.

You will get through this.

Just know you’re not alone.

 

Lost and Maybe Found

This summer has been teaming with ups and downs, many of those ups being weekend visits to my lovely lady and overly expensive, yet delicious foods, along with hitting the ponds for bass. The downs, however, have been seemingly stronger than usual and have really been down.

I had to face the stark and familiar realization that I wouldn’t be attending school, again; and I’m just a semester away from reaching the social mega milestone of graduating from a four year university! But wait, don’t look behind you into the ominous shadow from the treacherous mountain of FedLoan, SallieMae and College Ave, ‘cuz it’ll be there for a while. I am so close to finally reaching the end of the now 6 year tunnel, yet so far from escaping the ever deepening pit of debt. So in short it hurts; pretty bad. But that’s just me.

In life I have been told many a times that you have to look at the bright side of life! Yes, this is true, hands down, all my money on it. But, what about those who are bumbling around in the perpetual darkness of their minds? Where is it supposed to be bright? Where is the box of matches you need to spark the fire? I can’t lie (since it’s a bad thing) but I’ve been lost in that darkness for a while. Yeah, there are moments where you shoot up out of nowhere and you’re above the clouds and basking in the light. It’s warm, comforting, like a hug form grandma or some hot soup.

Then the descent begins again. And it’s never a straight plummet, more like a feather that’s just a bit too heavy.

For the people in the dark which is, sadly, a lot more than I ever dreamed of, I understand what you’re feeling. We have goals, we have dreams and aspirations that are quite often larger than life itself. We are hard workers, sons, daughters, fathers and mothers, friends and everything in between. And we can do whatever we put our minds to! But, we’re just a bit lost, scared.  A bit down hearted and maybe, a little hurt. So yes, this summer has had its highs and lows; always will. I won’t take away from the good times, because they were brilliant, exciting and full of life and love. I cherish them and am honestly excited to make more.

But the downs are still there and they are haunting. They’re tough, relentless and have the capability of separating us from the things and people we love. It’s dark, frustrating and seemingly endless. There’s a lot of us down here, sort of just shuffling along, trying to make it- so that’s gotta mean something.

Although in darkness, there’s a chance that we can find one another. There’s a possibility that we could get back up to the glorious and sun soaked clouds and just stay there.

So we will have to fight, hard and for a long time. Just to break away from these downs and leave them in the past.

We are lost right now, yes, but maybe if we keep our heads up and reach out with all we’ve got.

Maybe we can be found.