Lost and Maybe Found

This summer has been teaming with ups and downs, many of those ups being weekend visits to my lovely lady and overly expensive, yet delicious foods, along with hitting the ponds for bass. The downs, however, have been seemingly stronger than usual and have really been down.

I had to face the stark and familiar realization that I wouldn’t be attending school, again; and I’m just a semester away from reaching the social mega milestone of graduating from a four year university! But wait, don’t look behind you into the ominous shadow from the treacherous mountain of FedLoan, SallieMae and College Ave, ‘cuz it’ll be there for a while. I am so close to finally reaching the end of the now 6 year tunnel, yet so far from escaping the ever deepening pit of debt. So in short it hurts; pretty bad. But that’s just me.

In life I have been told many a times that you have to look at the bright side of life! Yes, this is true, hands down, all my money on it. But, what about those who are bumbling around in the perpetual darkness of their minds? Where is it supposed to be bright? Where is the box of matches you need to spark the fire? I can’t lie (since it’s a bad thing) but I’ve been lost in that darkness for a while. Yeah, there are moments where you shoot up out of nowhere and you’re above the clouds and basking in the light. It’s warm, comforting, like a hug form grandma or some hot soup.

Then the descent begins again. And it’s never a straight plummet, more like a feather that’s just a bit too heavy.

For the people in the dark which is, sadly, a lot more than I ever dreamed of, I understand what you’re feeling. We have goals, we have dreams and aspirations that are quite often larger than life itself. We are hard workers, sons, daughters, fathers and mothers, friends and everything in between. And we can do whatever we put our minds to! But, we’re just a bit lost, scared.  A bit down hearted and maybe, a little hurt. So yes, this summer has had its highs and lows; always will. I won’t take away from the good times, because they were brilliant, exciting and full of life and love. I cherish them and am honestly excited to make more.

But the downs are still there and they are haunting. They’re tough, relentless and have the capability of separating us from the things and people we love. It’s dark, frustrating and seemingly endless. There’s a lot of us down here, sort of just shuffling along, trying to make it- so that’s gotta mean something.

Although in darkness, there’s a chance that we can find one another. There’s a possibility that we could get back up to the glorious and sun soaked clouds and just stay there.

So we will have to fight, hard and for a long time. Just to break away from these downs and leave them in the past.

We are lost right now, yes, but maybe if we keep our heads up and reach out with all we’ve got.

Maybe we can be found.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real-ationships And Stuff

I’m going to start this off by saying that I am happily taken by the superbly phenomenal, undisputed, stunningly gorgeous and all time reigning champion of my heart; Tori.

Now that I have covered my bases, we may begin.

We are in a really interesting time in life right now when it comes to dating, love and all of those weird things. There’s apps like Tinder, where you just swipe right on someone, hope they swipe back then hopefully try and make something happen. Or OkCupid, Match, POF and so many other dating sites. People all over sign up, fill their profiles with their best looking selfies and pictures in hopes that some random person clicks on them and is somehow infatuated instantaneously. And it only takes a few minutes. So, you put your best foot forward and you go from there.

But what about your other foot? The ‘in person foot’.

It’s interesting how bold, confident, successful and intriguing people seem to be from the other side of a phone screen. I feel like no one wants to be who they are in person anymore, but they want to be their dating profile. We put so much effort into the digitized versions of ourselves that we forget that there is an actual person on the other end of it all waiting to see us. Now, of course, there’s nothing wrong with online dating, the inter-web is dope. What I’m saying is that we’re in a day and age where we have so much technology, so much creative AI, ways to bolster our confidence with a few good pictures and cool bios, we are beginning to lose who we really are.

It’s a culture where so many people look great, perfect almost, but once you get passed that glamorized outer shell, they tend to be very different people, and quite often not for the better. It’s a culture of little lies that rapidly creates a beautifully deceptive painting.

No one goes on dates anymore. Everyone is always “talking” but not really dating. Many people just want a quick fix to their loneliness and not a partner in life. Netflix and chill has become a common experience. And simply sliding into someone’s DM’s now means that you’re “interested.” And cheating is now almost expected, because we can easily and instantly ‘find someone better’; all with the click of a button.

But, why not meet in person? See the way their mouth pulls more to one side with they smile. Gaze into the depths of their eyes and get lost in the depths of their mind. Count the cute freckles on her face. Inhale his scent when you first hug. Grab some coffee and talk about how much you hate macchiato’s and why they love them. Is Marvel or DC better? Sour or Sweet? Talk about their fears and passions, their faults, failures and successes. Lebron or Michael. Creamy or Crunchy. (Creamy can’t be beat)

Watch how they react when you talk about hard topics.

Listen to their goofy laugh when you nail the punchline.

Hold hands.

Kiss.

But most importantly. Be there.

In a world where an account can be created in seconds, lies can spread with ease and effort is almost nonexistent, please, I implore you, be the real you.

Because the best you that you can be, is face to face.

 

 

Thank you Tori, for loving me as I was, as I am and as I will be.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living Life

I get it.

Times get hard, family has its issues, friendships collapse and everything around you seems to just be falling apart. Add on top of that the constant distraction and reminder that “your life could be like this” from social media and you’re a powder keg of stress, jealousy and frustration ready to blow.

I struggle with comparisons with other people who I see on social media. I look at the high rollers, guys who are funny and use that skill to make millions, I’ve seen the Instagram models who can strike one sultry pose and then boom, they’re living it up it Cabo San Lucas. All of these beautiful, smart, funny and rich people seem to be cruising through life on auto pilot with no obstructions ahead of them; it’s just too easy.

Then I look at myself. And honestly, I don’t see the best parts of me.

There are days when I just don’t feel adequate, I feel low and like I haven’t accomplished anything; nor will I. I have a longing to feel that I can do something, that I have mastered something in a sense, yet, I’m still just lurching along. Like said before, I’m still a NoPro. I’d open my phone, scroll throw my apps and repeat the cycle until I had seen enough of other peoples’ lives to be satisfied, but still empty.

What do they have that I don’t? How can I get it? Where is it? What does it feel like?

I was searching for answers to my questions from people that I didn’t even know. I was comparing myself to others who didn’t even know I existed.

I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of comparisons and I was about to lose sight of the surface.

But that’s not how it ends.

After absorbing my daily digital dose, I finally cranked my heavy head up from my phone screen and looked to the life that I was living. It was a gorgeous day outside. Some flirtatious cardinals were dancing through the air, the sun was high and bright, green grass shifted in the winds like ocean waves and there was Declan, rolling around with a smile on is face.

I looked up even higher and there was a well constructed roof over my head, a TV to my left, a couch beneath my buns and a bowl of gourmet ramen (made by yours truly) on the table in front of me. My phone vibrates and I have an invitation from my little brother, Jeremiah, to hop on Fortnite with my other brother, Jordan. I join, and the whole time we laugh hysterically, shout out ridiculous commands, squeal when a squad of John Wicks is rushing us, and most importantly we are enjoying what we have and who we have it with. We got the W, too.

It’s funny, how envious we people can become of one another. But what’s even better and so much more rewarding, is when we as people learn to enjoy ourselves. Your life (yeah, I’m talking to you, Phillip) isn’t meant to be lived from another persons body. No matter how hard you tried, when it comes down to it, you’ll never be anyone but you. So you might as well invest in yourself and give it all you’ve got!

You don’t need to be an Instagram model, Youtube star, a comedian or a glorified chef; you just need to be you. Look at the life you’ve got, find the good in it, because there is always good, and hold tight to that. Be happy, smile, appreciate the moments and what you have, because I can guarantee you, there’s so much more to experience in life.

Text that friend that you have and make plans.

Go on a date with your crush.

Cook that meal you’ve been dying to try, or take yourself out.

Take a nap.

Go on a vacation that fits your style.

Because at the end of the day, the life YOU decide to live, is the best life you’ll ever have.